You’re trapped in a room with a Grizzly Bear, a deadly Rattlesnake, and an Man Utd Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the Man United Fan. Twice….The 7 dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs
to the entrance and yells down to them. In the dark distance a voice screams
out “Rangers are good enough to win the European Cup.”
Snow White says “Thank God – at least Dopey’s still alive!”
Q: What do you call a dead Tottenham Supporter in a closet?
A: Last years winner to the hide and seek contest.
Q: Why do Wimbledon fans carry lighters round with them?
A: Because they lose all their matches!
Q: What have Blackburn FC and a three pin plug got in common?
A: Their both absolutely useless in Europe.
A wee fella hands over a £50 note to the turnstyle operator at St James Prk
Fella: Two please.
Turnstyle Operator: Will that be defenders or strikers, sir?
Q: What do Aston Villa fans use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: If you see a Liverpool Fan on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit
It might be your bike…
Q: What would you do if you saw a Millwall fan walking towards you with a
A: Stop laughing, reload and shoot again!
1. Q: What do you get if you see a Leeds United fan buried up to his neck in sand?
A: More sand.
2. British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Nottingham Forest.
The company think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.
3. Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Man Utd striker Diego
A: Clinton can score.
4. Q: Name three football clubs that contain swear words?
A: A: Arsenal, Scunthorpe and F*****g Man Utd.
5. Gazza : Wahey Boss! ken that jiggisaw puzzle I wiz doing? Yeel never
guess – I’ve finished it and only took me 6 months!
Walter Smith : Well, what’s so good about 6 months???
Gazza : Like it says Gaffer – on the box it said ‘3 to 6 years’
6. Apparently, when Harry Redknapp was West ham manager he offered to send
the squad on an all expenses paid holiday to Florida but they declined.
They’d rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it’s like to ride on an
7. Sunderland manager Peter Reid walked into the Nationwide Building Society
one day whilst a robbery was in progress. One of the robbers hit him over
the head and knocked Reidsy out. Whilst coming around, Reid said “Christ,
where the hell am I”
One of the staff told him he was in the Nationwide
Reid replied – “It’s May already then!”
8. Q: What’s the difference between West Ham and an albatross?
A: An albatross has got two decent wings.
9. Q: What is the difference between Coventry and the bermuda triangle?
A: The bermuda triangle has three points.
10. Q: Why does Gordon Strachan keep visiting Argos?
A: Because that’s the only way he can pick up any Premier points!
11. A little boy took his parents to court because he did not want to live
with them anymore. The honored judge said to him “So why don’t you want to
live with your dad?”
“Because he beats me” said the little boy.
“Why don’t you want to live with your mum then?” asked the judge.
Because she beats me aswell.
“Oh” said the judge “Well who would you like to live with then?”
The little boy replied” I would like to live with Southampton FC, because
they don’t beat anyone!!”
12. Q: How do you make a Gunners fan run?
A: Build a job centre.
13. Q: Why do Hearts fans plant potatoes round the edge of Tynecastle?
A: So they have Something to lift at the end of the season.
14. Q: What happens when the opposition cross the halfway line at Villa
A: They score.
15. Q: What tea do footballers drink?
16. Apparantly, Blackburn football club is under investigation by the Inland
Revenue for tax evasion.
– they’ve been claiming for Silver Polish for the past 30 years.
18. Q: What’s the difference between an Everton fan and a supermarket
A: The trolley has a mind of it’s own.
20. Q: How many Manchester City soccer fans does it take to change a
A: None – they’re quite happy living in the shadows.
21. A Derby County and Middlesborough fan are strolling along Duke Street
and suddenly the Middlesborough supporter says “Woooh! would ya look at that
dead bird!”. The Derby County fan looks skywards and says “huh, Where???”
22. Q: How many Evertonians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you like, but they’ll never see the light.
23. Q: What do you call a Wimbledon fan with an IQ of 10?
A: Supremely gifted!
25. Q: How do you change a Charlton fans mind?
A: Blow in his ear!
26. Q: How can you tell ET is a Rangers fan?
A: Because he looks like one.
27. A Sunderland supporter goes to his doctor to find out what’s wrong with
“Your problem is you’re fat, “says the doctor.
“I’d like a second opinion” responds the man.
“OK, you’re ugly too” replies the doctor.
28. 4 surgeons are taking a tea break:
1st surgeon says “Accountants are the best to operate on because when you
open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
2nd surgeon says “Nope, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is
in alphabetical order.”
3rd surgeon says “Well you should try electricians. Everything inside them
is colour coded.”
4th surgeon says “I prefer Tottenham fans. They’re heartless, spineless,
gutless and their heads and a**es are interchangeable.”
29. Unsubstantiated reports seem to suggest that Chelsea will be releasing a
new record at the end of the month, “I’m forever blowing Doubles”!
30. Q: What would you get if Newcastle were relegated?
A: 45,000 more Chelsea fans
32. Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him.
35. Q: What’s the difference between a Liverpool fan and a broken clock?
A: Even a broken clock is right twice a day!
36. Q. What’s the difference between a Hibernian fan and a coconut?
A. You can get a drink out of a coconut!
38. Graham Taylor was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket
car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her shopping.
He stopped and asked, “Can you manage dear?” to which the old lady replied,
“no way you got yourself into this mess, don’t ask me to sort it out!”
39. A bloke goes into Stanstead Airport and manages to eventually get into
the departure lounge where his flight home is being called. All around him
there are overturned tables, smashed windows, computer terminals broken,
upturned chairs and crowd control barriers lying on the floor.
“Christ, what’s happened here?” he asks one of the ground crew.
“Oh yeah…”, he replies “Absolutely hopeless …. we had the Chelsea
players in here this morning filming the new Nike ad”.
40. A Bloke walks into a bric-a-brac shop and sees an ornamental brass rat,
the sort of thing women of a certain age love to put on the mantlepiece. He
thinks “that’ll be perfect for his Mother’s birthday”, so he asks the
shopkeeper how much it is.
“£25 for the rat, £100 for the story”, replies the man.
“Forget the story” says the bloke, and so buys the rat for 25 quid. He walks
off down the road, but has not gone 30 yards when a rat comes up from the
gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the
whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking
until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of
rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them
runs back to shop…..
“Aaaah”, says the shop keeper, “you’ll be back for the story”
“Screw the story – do you have a brass man utd fan?”
41. A nurse at Birmingham General Infirmary told an industrial tribunal how
she tried to stop the fight between two top doctors which resulted in one of
them being sacked by the hospital.
“I pulled them apart” said Alice Magee, 32, “and could see Dr Cage was in
tears. I asked him what it was about and he sobbed ‘It’s that man on E-ward,
you know, that one with the Man United pyjamas. Doctor Harper has just told
him that he’s only got two weeks left to live’. I told him there was nothing
more we could do for him and he had to be told.
Dr Cage said ‘I know that, but I wanted to tell the bastard'” The incident
follows a complaint from a patient in August of last year when Dr Cage told
a cancer victim he had some good news and some bad news
“The bad news is you’re going to die” “and the good news ?” asked the
downcast patient “we beat the scum 2-1!”
42. A Rangers and Celtic fan get into a nasty car accident. Both vehicles
are really wrecked, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the Celtic fan says, “So you’re a
Rangers fan, that’s interesting. I’m a Celtic fan… Wow! Just look at our
cars. There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a
sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace
the rest of our days.”
The Rangers fan replied,”Totally agree – this must be a sign from God!” The
Rangers fan went on, “And look at this – here’s another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn’t break. Surely God
wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we are alive and kicking?”
He hands the bottle to the Celtic fan who nods his head in agreement, opens
it and takes few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the
Rangers fan. The Rangers fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back
on, and hands back to the Celtic fan. The Celtic fan asks, “Aren’t you
having any?” The Rangers fan replies, “Nah…I think I’ll just wait for the
43. An Aberdeen fan is trapped on a remote desert island with a sheep and a
dog. Soon, the sheep starts looking really attractive to the Aberdeen fan.
However, whenever he approaches a sheep the dog growls in a threatening
The Aberdeen fan takes the dog to the opposite side of the island giving it
some food as a distraction. He runs back to the sheep only to find the dog
growling at him. The Aberdeen fan ties the dog to a tree with a large leash.
He goes back to the sheep only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off
leash around its neck.
By now, Aberdeen fan is getting depressed and frustrated. As he sits under a
palm tree staring out to sea, a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting wet suit
emerges from the surf.
She asks him who he is and, taking pity upon his lonely state, asks if
there’s ANYTHING she could do for him. The Aberdeen fan thinks for a moment
and then responds, “Could you take the dog for a walk?
45. A white van driver used to keep himself amused by scaring witless every
Glasgow Rangers fan he saw sauntering down High common road in his blue and
white uniform. He would swerve as if to hit them, and at the last minute,
swerve back onto the road.
One day as he was driving along the road, he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He
thought he would do his good deed for the day and offer the priest a lift.
“Where are you off tae, Father?” he asked.
“I’m going to give Mass at St Michaels’s church – it’s aboot 2 miles down
“Nae worries,” said the driver, “Hop in and I’ll gee ya a lift.”
The happy priest climbed into the van and they set off down the road.
Suddenly the driver caught site of a Hun on the pavement, and instinctively
swerved as if to hit him, but just in time, remembering the priest in his
van, swerved back to the road again, narrowly missing the idiot. Although he
was certain that he didn’t hit him, however, he still heard a loud “Thud”.
Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, and,
seeing nothing, said to the priest, “Oh sorry Father, I nearly hit that
Rangers Fan walking down the road there.”
“No need to apologise Sonny,” replied Father, “I got the ba$tard with the