First Aid

Category : Jokes

A USEFUL BIT OF FIRST AID

STOP CHOKING – AUSSIE STYLEA woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to
look at her.

Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie

The woman signalled ‘No!’, desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?’ asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her
*rse.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction
flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Brian said in admiration ‘Ya know Kenzie, I’d heard of that bloody Hind
Lick Manoeuvre, but that’s the first time I ever seen somebody do it.’

Word Play!

Category : Jokes

Alternative definitions of words that mostly don’t exist (but should!!)>1. Coffee (n), the person upon whom one coughs.
>
>2. Flabbergasted (adj), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
>
>3. Abdicate (v), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
>
>4. Esplanade (v), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
>
>5. Willy-nilly (adj), impotent.
>
>6. Negligent (adj), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
>answer
>the door in your nightgown.
>
>7. Lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.
>
>8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavoured mouthwash.
>
>9. Flatulence (n), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
>over by a steamroller.
>
>10. Balderdash (n), a rapidly receding hairline.
>
>11. Testicle (n), a humorous question on an exam.
>
>12. Rectitude (n), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
>
>13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
>
>14. Oyster (n), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
>
>15. Frisbeetarianism (n), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when
>you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
>
>16. Circumvent (n), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish
>men.
>
>* The Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers to take any
>word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
>letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year’s winners:*
>
>1. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
>ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
>of breaking down in the near future.
>
>2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
>getting laid.
>
>3. Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
>financially impotent for an indefinite period.
>
>4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
>
>5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
>person
>who doesn’t get it.
>
>6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
>
>7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
>
>8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
>
>9. Karmageddon (n): It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these
>really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like,
>a
>serious bummer.
>
>10 Decafalon (n): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming
>only things that are good for you.
>
>11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
>
>12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
>they come at you rapidly.
>
>13. Arachnoleptic fit (n): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve
>accidentally walked through a spider web.
>
>14. Beelzebug (n): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
>bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
>
>15. Caterpallor (n): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the
>fruit you’re eating.
>
>And the pick of the literature:
>16. Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed

Category : Jokes

My first Christmassy post!!

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED… * 1. Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder — We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia — I Think I’ll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic — Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and…..

* 6. Paranoid — Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder — Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder — You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna
Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder — Silent night, Holy oooh look at the
froggy – can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder –Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Football Jokes

Category : Jokes

You’re trapped in a room with a Grizzly Bear, a deadly Rattlesnake, and an Man Utd Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the Man United Fan. Twice….The 7 dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs
to the entrance and yells down to them. In the dark distance a voice screams
out “Rangers are good enough to win the European Cup.”
Snow White says “Thank God – at least Dopey’s still alive!”

Q: What do you call a dead Tottenham Supporter in a closet?
A: Last years winner to the hide and seek contest.

Q: Why do Wimbledon fans carry lighters round with them?
A: Because they lose all their matches!

Q: What have Blackburn FC and a three pin plug got in common?
A: Their both absolutely useless in Europe.

A wee fella hands over a £50 note to the turnstyle operator at St James Prk
Fella: Two please.
Turnstyle Operator: Will that be defenders or strikers, sir?

Q: What do Aston Villa fans use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: If you see a Liverpool Fan on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit
him?
It might be your bike…

Q: What would you do if you saw a Millwall fan walking towards you with a
wound?
A: Stop laughing, reload and shoot again!

1. Q: What do you get if you see a Leeds United fan buried up to his neck in sand?

A: More sand.

2. British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Nottingham Forest.
The company think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.

3. Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Man Utd striker Diego
Forlan?

A: Clinton can score.

4. Q: Name three football clubs that contain swear words?

A: A: Arsenal, Scunthorpe and F*****g Man Utd.

5. Gazza : Wahey Boss! ken that jiggisaw puzzle I wiz doing? Yeel never
guess – I’ve finished it and only took me 6 months!

Walter Smith : Well, what’s so good about 6 months???

Gazza : Like it says Gaffer – on the box it said ‘3 to 6 years’

6. Apparently, when Harry Redknapp was West ham manager he offered to send
the squad on an all expenses paid holiday to Florida but they declined.
They’d rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it’s like to ride on an
open-top bus.

7. Sunderland manager Peter Reid walked into the Nationwide Building Society
one day whilst a robbery was in progress. One of the robbers hit him over
the head and knocked Reidsy out. Whilst coming around, Reid said “Christ,
where the hell am I”
One of the staff told him he was in the Nationwide
Reid replied – “It’s May already then!”

8. Q: What’s the difference between West Ham and an albatross?

A: An albatross has got two decent wings.

9. Q: What is the difference between Coventry and the bermuda triangle?

A: The bermuda triangle has three points.

10. Q: Why does Gordon Strachan keep visiting Argos?

A: Because that’s the only way he can pick up any Premier points!

11. A little boy took his parents to court because he did not want to live
with them anymore. The honored judge said to him “So why don’t you want to
live with your dad?”
“Because he beats me” said the little boy.
“Why don’t you want to live with your mum then?” asked the judge.
Because she beats me aswell.
“Oh” said the judge “Well who would you like to live with then?”
The little boy replied” I would like to live with Southampton FC, because
they don’t beat anyone!!”

12. Q: How do you make a Gunners fan run?

A: Build a job centre.

13. Q: Why do Hearts fans plant potatoes round the edge of Tynecastle?

A: So they have Something to lift at the end of the season.

14. Q: What happens when the opposition cross the halfway line at Villa
Park?

A: They score.

15. Q: What tea do footballers drink?

A. PenalTea!

16. Apparantly, Blackburn football club is under investigation by the Inland
Revenue for tax evasion.
– they’ve been claiming for Silver Polish for the past 30 years.

18. Q: What’s the difference between an Everton fan and a supermarket
trolley?

A: The trolley has a mind of it’s own.

20. Q: How many Manchester City soccer fans does it take to change a
lightbulb?

A: None – they’re quite happy living in the shadows.

21. A Derby County and Middlesborough fan are strolling along Duke Street
and suddenly the Middlesborough supporter says “Woooh! would ya look at that
dead bird!”. The Derby County fan looks skywards and says “huh, Where???”

22. Q: How many Evertonians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: As many as you like, but they’ll never see the light.

23. Q: What do you call a Wimbledon fan with an IQ of 10?

A: Supremely gifted!

25. Q: How do you change a Charlton fans mind?

A: Blow in his ear!

26. Q: How can you tell ET is a Rangers fan?

A: Because he looks like one.

27. A Sunderland supporter goes to his doctor to find out what’s wrong with
him.
“Your problem is you’re fat, “says the doctor.
“I’d like a second opinion” responds the man.
“OK, you’re ugly too” replies the doctor.

28. 4 surgeons are taking a tea break:

1st surgeon says “Accountants are the best to operate on because when you
open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

2nd surgeon says “Nope, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is
in alphabetical order.”

3rd surgeon says “Well you should try electricians. Everything inside them
is colour coded.”

4th surgeon says “I prefer Tottenham fans. They’re heartless, spineless,
gutless and their heads and a**es are interchangeable.”

29. Unsubstantiated reports seem to suggest that Chelsea will be releasing a
new record at the end of the month, “I’m forever blowing Doubles”!

30. Q: What would you get if Newcastle were relegated?

A: 45,000 more Chelsea fans

32. Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?

A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him.

35. Q: What’s the difference between a Liverpool fan and a broken clock?

A: Even a broken clock is right twice a day!

36. Q. What’s the difference between a Hibernian fan and a coconut?

A. You can get a drink out of a coconut!

38. Graham Taylor was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket
car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her shopping.

He stopped and asked, “Can you manage dear?” to which the old lady replied,
“no way you got yourself into this mess, don’t ask me to sort it out!”

39. A bloke goes into Stanstead Airport and manages to eventually get into
the departure lounge where his flight home is being called. All around him
there are overturned tables, smashed windows, computer terminals broken,
upturned chairs and crowd control barriers lying on the floor.

“Christ, what’s happened here?” he asks one of the ground crew.

“Oh yeah…”, he replies “Absolutely hopeless …. we had the Chelsea
players in here this morning filming the new Nike ad”.

40. A Bloke walks into a bric-a-brac shop and sees an ornamental brass rat,
the sort of thing women of a certain age love to put on the mantlepiece. He
thinks “that’ll be perfect for his Mother’s birthday”, so he asks the
shopkeeper how much it is.

“£25 for the rat, £100 for the story”, replies the man.

“Forget the story” says the bloke, and so buys the rat for 25 quid. He walks
off down the road, but has not gone 30 yards when a rat comes up from the
gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the
whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking
until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of
rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them
runs back to shop…..

“Aaaah”, says the shop keeper, “you’ll be back for the story”

“Screw the story – do you have a brass man utd fan?”

41. A nurse at Birmingham General Infirmary told an industrial tribunal how
she tried to stop the fight between two top doctors which resulted in one of
them being sacked by the hospital.

“I pulled them apart” said Alice Magee, 32, “and could see Dr Cage was in
tears. I asked him what it was about and he sobbed ‘It’s that man on E-ward,
you know, that one with the Man United pyjamas. Doctor Harper has just told
him that he’s only got two weeks left to live’. I told him there was nothing
more we could do for him and he had to be told.

Dr Cage said ‘I know that, but I wanted to tell the bastard'” The incident
follows a complaint from a patient in August of last year when Dr Cage told
a cancer victim he had some good news and some bad news

“The bad news is you’re going to die” “and the good news ?” asked the
downcast patient “we beat the scum 2-1!”

42. A Rangers and Celtic fan get into a nasty car accident. Both vehicles
are really wrecked, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the Celtic fan says, “So you’re a
Rangers fan, that’s interesting. I’m a Celtic fan… Wow! Just look at our
cars. There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a
sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace
the rest of our days.”

The Rangers fan replied,”Totally agree – this must be a sign from God!” The
Rangers fan went on, “And look at this – here’s another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn’t break. Surely God
wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we are alive and kicking?”

He hands the bottle to the Celtic fan who nods his head in agreement, opens
it and takes few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the
Rangers fan. The Rangers fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back
on, and hands back to the Celtic fan. The Celtic fan asks, “Aren’t you
having any?” The Rangers fan replies, “Nah…I think I’ll just wait for the
police……”

43. An Aberdeen fan is trapped on a remote desert island with a sheep and a
dog. Soon, the sheep starts looking really attractive to the Aberdeen fan.
However, whenever he approaches a sheep the dog growls in a threatening
manner.

The Aberdeen fan takes the dog to the opposite side of the island giving it
some food as a distraction. He runs back to the sheep only to find the dog
growling at him. The Aberdeen fan ties the dog to a tree with a large leash.
He goes back to the sheep only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off
leash around its neck.

By now, Aberdeen fan is getting depressed and frustrated. As he sits under a
palm tree staring out to sea, a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting wet suit
emerges from the surf.

She asks him who he is and, taking pity upon his lonely state, asks if
there’s ANYTHING she could do for him. The Aberdeen fan thinks for a moment
and then responds, “Could you take the dog for a walk?

45. A white van driver used to keep himself amused by scaring witless every
Glasgow Rangers fan he saw sauntering down High common road in his blue and
white uniform. He would swerve as if to hit them, and at the last minute,
swerve back onto the road.

One day as he was driving along the road, he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He
thought he would do his good deed for the day and offer the priest a lift.

“Where are you off tae, Father?” he asked.

“I’m going to give Mass at St Michaels’s church – it’s aboot 2 miles down
the road,”.

“Nae worries,” said the driver, “Hop in and I’ll gee ya a lift.”

The happy priest climbed into the van and they set off down the road.
Suddenly the driver caught site of a Hun on the pavement, and instinctively
swerved as if to hit him, but just in time, remembering the priest in his
van, swerved back to the road again, narrowly missing the idiot. Although he
was certain that he didn’t hit him, however, he still heard a loud “Thud”.
Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, and,
seeing nothing, said to the priest, “Oh sorry Father, I nearly hit that
Rangers Fan walking down the road there.”

“No need to apologise Sonny,” replied Father, “I got the ba$tard with the
door!”

A Bad Accident

Category : Jokes

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head
to foot.

The doctor comes in and says “Ah, I see you’ve
regained consciousness.
Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a
pile-up on the motorway…. A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head
to foot.

The doctor comes in and says “Ah, I see you’ve
regained consciousness.
Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a
pile-up on the motorway.
Now you’re going to be OK, you’ll walk again,
everything, but something
happened. I’m trying to break this gently but your
penis was chopped off in
the wreck and we were unable to find it.”

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes
on “But it’s going to be
alright, we have the technology now to build you a
new one that will work
as well as your old one did, better in fact. But
the thing is, it doesn’t
come cheap. It’s a thousand pounds an inch”.

The bloke perks up at this, even though it’s a
thousand pounds
an inch.

“So the thing is” the doctor says, “it’s for you
to decide how many
inches you want. But it’s something you’d better
discuss with your wife. I
mean, if you had a five inch one before and you
decide to go for a nine
incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a
nine inch one before
and you decide only to invest in a five incher this
time she might be
disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a
vital role in helping you
make the decision.”

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and
the doctor comes back the
next day.

“So” says the doctor “Have you spoken with your
wife?â??

“I have.” says the fellow.

â?oAnd has she helped you in making the
decision?”.

“She has” says the bloke.

“And what is it?” asks the doctor. . .

“We’re having a new kitchen”.

Performance Appraisals

Category : Jokes

The following were actual quotes taken from Performance Appraisal evaluations of federal employees….1 Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and started to dig.

2 I would not allow this employee to breed

3 This employee is not so much of a has been but more, a definite won’t be.

4 Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap

5 When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet

6 He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle

7 This young lady has delusions of adequacy

8 He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them

9 This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

10 This employee should go far and the sooner he starts the better

11 Got a full 6 pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together

12 A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus

13 He doesn’t have ulcers, but he is a carrier

14 I would like to go hunting with him sometime

15 He has been working with glue too much

16 He would argue with a signpost

17 He brings a lot of joy when he leaves the room

18 When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell

19 If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he is the other one

20 A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on

21 A prime candidate for deselection

22 Has donated his brain to science before he has finished using it

23 Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming

24 He’s got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it

25 If he were any more stupid he would have to be watered twice a week

26 If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you would get change

27 If you stand too close to him you can hear the ocean

28 It’s hard to believe he beat 1,000,000 other sperm

29 One neuron short of a synapse

30 Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, he just gargled

31 It takes him two hours to watch 60 minutes

32 The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead

Proud to be British?

Category : Jokes

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American
shows on a Japanese TV….And the most British thing of all?

Suspicion of anything foreign.

Oh and…… Only in Britain . can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

Only in Britain . do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the
back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain . do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a
DIET coke.

Only in Britain . do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the
counters.

Only in Britain . do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive
and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain . do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have
call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to
in the first place.

Only in Britain . are there disabled parking places in front of a skating
rink.

NOT TO MENTION…
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the
fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations
were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling
accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of
the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening
bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control
Scalextric cars.

and finally………
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

How to maintain a healthy level of insanity…

Category : Jokes

An old favourite!1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)
3) Insist that your e mail address is:Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or [email”>Elvis-the-King@companyname.com[/email”>
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN.”
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9) Reply to everything someone says with,”That’s what you think.”
10) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
11) Don’t use any punctuation
12) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
13) Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
14) Sing Along at the opera.
15) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme
16) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
17) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you’re doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.
18) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
19) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
20) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies
21) Call the psychic hotline and just say, “Guess”
22) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
23) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won!”, “I Won!” “3rd time this week!!!”
24) When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives, they’re loose!”
25) Tell your boss, “It’s not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do”
26) Tell your children over dinner. “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.
27) Everytime you see a broom yell “Honey, your mother is here”

Words Women Use

Category : Jokes

This is essential reading for us guys!! :-)WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument whenthey feel they are right and you need to shut up.Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks – thiswill cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the fiveminutes that your football game is going to lastbefore you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.

NOTHING
This means “something,” and you should be on yourtoes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe thefeeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usuallysignifies anargument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with”Fine”!

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a womangetting upset over “Nothing” and will end with theword “Fine”

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)This means “I give up” or “do what you want because Idon’t care” You will get a “Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead”in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and”Fine” and she will talk to you in about Five Minutes”when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbalstatement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh”means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, andwonders why she is wasting her time standing here andarguing with you over “Nothing”

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. “SoftSighs” mean that she is content. Your best bet is tonot move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT’S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that awoman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that shewants to think long and hard before paying you backfor whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay”is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunctionwith a “Raised Eyebrow.”

GO AHEAD.
At some point in the near future, you aregoing to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman isgiving you the chance to come up with whatever excuseor reason you have for doing whatever it is that youhave done. You have a fair chance with the truth, sobe careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just sayyou’re welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman willsay, Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. Itsignifies that you have offended her in some callousway, and will be followed by the”Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong afterthe “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing”

World Cup Rules

Category : Jokes

Not that I have anyone to which I can apply these rules… :-(You may want to read this email and forward it to your birds.
Instructions to Girlfriends/Wife
1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World
Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don’t mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor….it wont happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say “get over it, its only a game”, or “don’t worry, they’ll win next time”. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called “words of encouragement” will only lead to a break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying “one” game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to “spend time together”.

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don’t care if I have seen them or I haven’t seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:

a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.
10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying “but you have already seen this…why don’t you change the channel to something we can all watch??”, the reply will be: “Refer to Rule #2 of this list”.

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as “Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years”. I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League, European Championships, etc etc.

Thank you for your cooperation.
Regards,
Men of the World